I really want to talk to someone who can help me understand why I feel like this all the time. I’ve got so much going on inside my head that sometimes all I can do is put my earphones in and play my music painfully loud in a feeble attempt to get away for a while or block everything out, either that or ‘sleep it off’, which most of the time doesn’t work.

So I guess some would say ‘speak to your friends about it’. Well in all honesty I don’t have anyone like that anymore, they all have their own lives and their own problems to deal with and I don’t need to pile anything else on them, especially when most of them aren’t really around to help properly, nor would they get it if I told them.

Lately in particular I’ve been miserable, like the kind of miserable where even getting out of bed in the morning seems like an enormous task. Each day I convince myself that I should try really hard to force myself to be happy and each day 100 more reasons are piled on me that mean I can’t be, or so it feels anyway.

Looking at it from an outside point of view, you’d think I have a lot of things to be happy about: I am in a stable job, I have a boyfriend who loves me, I am at college studying what I have always wanted to study, I am living in a house where I can comfortably pay rent and still have my own space and yet, despite all of this, the thought of living like this for one more day makes me want to kill myself.

When I think about that properly I don’t think I’d ever actually do that, I couldn’t hurt my boyfriend in that way and to be quite honest I don’t fancy going through the pain of doing so, especially if for some reason it didn’t work and I had to live through the consequences… But if someone was to say there was a way to happily drift off in your sleep then I can’t think of a good reason to not accept that.

I feel very lost, kind of like I’m empty and everything that used to matter to me doesn’t anymore. It’s hard because I am a really rational person and I can see all of the things I have and that should make me happy but they just don’t. Now saying that makes me sound really ungrateful, I am fully aware that a lot of other people have it worse than me but I just don’t feel happy.

I feel like the only way I can explain it is to compare it to a big poisonous cloud surrounding me and everything I come into contact with.

Sometimes I think that all of this must just be a build up of things and once I sort out a few of the problems then everything will get a little easier, but when I’m really honest with myself, I mean nothing, both to people and to life. I look back on the younger me and see how much drive she used to have, but deep down it wasn’t drive, it was just me hoping that if I wanted something enough and worked hard enough that I would get it; I lived in a fantasy world where I was special, I had potential and I could get out of this awful town. Everyone wants to get out of this town, why should I think I’m so special that I am actually going to do it?

I used to try and use the few friends that I had to convince myself that other people saw something in me and that I meant something to at least a few people, but the more time goes on, the more I realise that I’d be lucky if one person would notice if I just disappeared all together.

It was Halloween recently and every single person that I considered to be part of my life spent this time with friends. I sat at home and watched each one of them have an amazing time and post all their pictures, knowing that not one of them noticed I was missing. Now I know all of my friends have their own friends, but even plans I did have with one friend didn’t happen because they got a better offer.

I wish I knew what to do to get rid of these feelings, to be a normal person that can have happiness and sadness without one fully consuming the other… I have looked online at self help treatments and other ways to try to combat this negativity but nothing seems to be working: I’ve tried meditation, colouring books, reading other peoples stories online, going to the gym/exercise and even writing down everything I’m feeling.

Even though I feel like there is a physical reason I am feeling this way, I don’t want to go anywhere near antidepressants – the side effects alone scare me more than these feelings I have now and they do not help anyone in the long run. I don’t want to get rid of these feelings for a little while only for them to come back with force in the future.

For now I have to keep going on like this, desperately hoping one day it will fix itself, but that doesn’t feel likely considering how long I have felt this way for and the fact that each day I feel like I’m getting further and further away from myself.


Expectations are damaging. (The Story)

Why do people love drama so much? Its like people need it to survive their own boring lives…

The last couple of weeks have been pretty hard. I don’t know exactly when this all began but I have felt it brewing for a while. It’s one of those horrible times where everything that could possibly go wrong, all goes wrong at once and you are left desperately looking for something to salvage from the mess.

So to start at the most simple part of the story, I used to get on really well with my boyfriend’s sister Emily. She has her own house that is one street away from mine and the majority of the time when I wasn’t at my own house I was at hers. We are quite similar people with similar interests and I did anything for her, I babysat her little girl, I would go round when she was going out to do her hair and make up, I would lend her clothes and even house sit when she was out so I could look after her animals, and I did all of this without ever asking anything in return.

All of this was Ok with me; you shouldn’t expect anything back from people when you chose to do them a favour, it’s your choice to be nice.

So, just before new year I introduced Emily to one of my close male friends Dave, she had seen him a couple of times when we spent time together and wanted to get to know him too, so for a good few months Dave came with me to Emily’s house and it turned out that we all got along really well. At New Year they became an item and seemed really happy together (they had both been through difficult relationships so I was happy that they had been able to find each other).

Emily’s male best friend is called Keiran. I don’t need to go into his story but basically he cheated on his girlfriend and was hell bent on destroying mine and Emily’s friendship because I was one the few people who knew what he had done. He ended up admitting this to his girlfriend and she left it in the past, but then when it came to Emily asking about it, he denied it ever happened. Keiran and Emily have been friends long before we ever met so obviously its clear who she believed but it didn’t seem to affect our friendship anyway because its not any of my business.

A few weeks passed and I hadn’t been round to Emily’s house. I didn’t think anything of it at first because she had just started a new job, but recently the excuses were getting a little too often so I finally asked her if something was wrong. She then went on to message me back saying about how I was a horrible person, how she thought I was trying to split her up from her boyfriend and then had gone on to spread rumours about her… What!? There was only one place this could have come from – Keiran.

So I had a speak to my best friend who was another one of the people that knew what he had done and she proceeded to tell me that it all started on a night out, she had seen Keiran talking to a few of my friends spreading that I had been saying horrible things about Emily. Of course all of this is a lie, but as the person they all knew the longest he won everyone over. I am a bit shocked to be honest. Not at the fact that I was so naive to believe that my friends wouldn’t think that of me, but because he was going this far to ensure no one else trusted what I was saying.

This brings me up to the last few days, a lot of other things have gone on behind all of this mess that I could have really used a friend for, I can honestly say I’ve learnt now who my real friends are, but I didn’t think it would be this few. I was meant to meet up with Emily tonight to have a talk about all of this (everyone deserves a second chance and she could have realised the truth of everything) but again I was let down with a last minute, brush off text.

So where does this leave me now? Well if I add this to all the other issues I have got at the moment I’d say I’m pretty unhappy and lonely. Its Ok for people to accept friendship and support from you when they need it but when its the other way around all of that is thrown out the window because they aren’t willing to put the effort in.

This is where my conflict lies; you should never expect anything from anyone else, even your friends, but when is the point where friendship overrides this rule? Because if friends never did anything for each other there would be no friendship, there would be no need to be in the friendship at all… So how do you begin to trust the few friendships you have left, when you know you probably won’t have anyone to support you when you need it?

Expectations are damaging.

Generally you shouldn’t expect anything from people, expectation sets you up for disappointment and makes you unnecessarily unhappy when people do not meet these expectations. However as humans, expectation is inevitable.

People are selfish – It’s human nature. We do everything for our own survival and to make sure that we do well in life no matter what the costs to others. Deep down, no one is an exception to this rule. This is why people are unreliable, because no matter who it is or how long you have known then, when it comes down to it you cannot expect them to look out for anyone but themselves.

I say all this because I am one of those people who likes to do things for others, to make them happy, not for anything in return, just that bit of happiness it gives me to know that someones life has been made that little bit easier because of me.

Now I suppose if I am to stand by my own rules I am not an exception. I have found myself in the position lately where I am unhappy because of expectations I have of other people. The expectations that because I have been there for other people when they really needed it, that they will some day be there for me. Its becoming very apparent that this is not the case.

Its fair to say I have well and truly learnt my lesson; Do not depend on anyone else for your own happiness, you are the only one that you can completely rely on.

Up and down.

Is it normal to be completely happy one minutes and miserable the next? I feel like I’m constantly living in two extremes!

Some days I’m so happy, I think about how excited I am about my future, all the things I want and all the things I will have, and some days I’m the complete opposite, worried about everything I want to get and all the things I wont.

I personally like to think that in life we choose how happy we want to be, we get to choose how we react in certain situations and also what we will learn from them. In theory its very easy to be happy, to be grateful for everything we have, but in reality it’s so much harder.

Some days I feel like I literally cannot be happy; I can picture all the reasons why I should be happy and also the fact that I have nothing at all to be unhappy about but on those days I cannot get out of that stupid mood. Sometimes its the tiniest thing that can set it off and then just like that the whole day is miserable. I wonder why its so difficult to get out of a mindset?