I really want to talk to someone who can help me understand why I feel like this all the time. I’ve got so much going on inside my head that sometimes all I can do is put my earphones in and play my music painfully loud in a feeble attempt to get away for a while or block everything out, either that or ‘sleep it off’, which most of the time doesn’t work.
So I guess some would say ‘speak to your friends about it’. Well in all honesty I don’t have anyone like that anymore, they all have their own lives and their own problems to deal with and I don’t need to pile anything else on them, especially when most of them aren’t really around to help properly, nor would they get it if I told them.
Lately in particular I’ve been miserable, like the kind of miserable where even getting out of bed in the morning seems like an enormous task. Each day I convince myself that I should try really hard to force myself to be happy and each day 100 more reasons are piled on me that mean I can’t be, or so it feels anyway.
Looking at it from an outside point of view, you’d think I have a lot of things to be happy about: I am in a stable job, I have a boyfriend who loves me, I am at college studying what I have always wanted to study, I am living in a house where I can comfortably pay rent and still have my own space and yet, despite all of this, the thought of living like this for one more day makes me want to kill myself.
When I think about that properly I don’t think I’d ever actually do that, I couldn’t hurt my boyfriend in that way and to be quite honest I don’t fancy going through the pain of doing so, especially if for some reason it didn’t work and I had to live through the consequences… But if someone was to say there was a way to happily drift off in your sleep then I can’t think of a good reason to not accept that.
I feel very lost, kind of like I’m empty and everything that used to matter to me doesn’t anymore. It’s hard because I am a really rational person and I can see all of the things I have and that should make me happy but they just don’t. Now saying that makes me sound really ungrateful, I am fully aware that a lot of other people have it worse than me but I just don’t feel happy.
I feel like the only way I can explain it is to compare it to a big poisonous cloud surrounding me and everything I come into contact with.
Sometimes I think that all of this must just be a build up of things and once I sort out a few of the problems then everything will get a little easier, but when I’m really honest with myself, I mean nothing, both to people and to life. I look back on the younger me and see how much drive she used to have, but deep down it wasn’t drive, it was just me hoping that if I wanted something enough and worked hard enough that I would get it; I lived in a fantasy world where I was special, I had potential and I could get out of this awful town. Everyone wants to get out of this town, why should I think I’m so special that I am actually going to do it?
I used to try and use the few friends that I had to convince myself that other people saw something in me and that I meant something to at least a few people, but the more time goes on, the more I realise that I’d be lucky if one person would notice if I just disappeared all together.
It was Halloween recently and every single person that I considered to be part of my life spent this time with friends. I sat at home and watched each one of them have an amazing time and post all their pictures, knowing that not one of them noticed I was missing. Now I know all of my friends have their own friends, but even plans I did have with one friend didn’t happen because they got a better offer.
I wish I knew what to do to get rid of these feelings, to be a normal person that can have happiness and sadness without one fully consuming the other… I have looked online at self help treatments and other ways to try to combat this negativity but nothing seems to be working: I’ve tried meditation, colouring books, reading other peoples stories online, going to the gym/exercise and even writing down everything I’m feeling.
Even though I feel like there is a physical reason I am feeling this way, I don’t want to go anywhere near antidepressants – the side effects alone scare me more than these feelings I have now and they do not help anyone in the long run. I don’t want to get rid of these feelings for a little while only for them to come back with force in the future.
For now I have to keep going on like this, desperately hoping one day it will fix itself, but that doesn’t feel likely considering how long I have felt this way for and the fact that each day I feel like I’m getting further and further away from myself.